What, Me Uptight?

I am here to admit to something. I can be, what some might call, "Uptight".

I'm not always uptight, I can absorb coolness, flow with relaxation, and embrace free-flowing chaos, as long as I don't have to live with them day to day. Case in point: Last evening a good friend of mine, Andy, invited me to his home for Shabbat (complete with home made Challa bread - Arable does pretty well for a Shiksa - some delicious Salmon and other assorted goodies.) What a relaxed, fun, wonderful time I had - met some nice folks (mostly other professor types and their spouses).

But what struck me while I sat there is this, this home is one that Carol and I used to own. When we lived here, we did have parties - some good ones - but I remember them as feeling stiff and formal (probably because our parties are usually a little more formal - coctails and such, and we like to dress up, whatever.) The point I'm making is I'm jealous of my friends ability to be such relaxed hosts, and I'm jealous that they seem to be so much more at home in this home that I used to call home but never quite felt at home in.

I told you I was uptight. Maybe intense is the word ("Repo man is ALWAYS intense".) If I invite you to a party you WILL have a good time, and there will be good food and drink and happiness, but I will be stressed beforehand making sure everything is in it's place and perfection reigns. Two scotch's later I'm as relaxed and fun loving as you can imagine...at which point any residual stress gets transferred to Carol. (Stress shared is lessoned for the one doing the sharing.)

As I'm writing this, I realize that since I wasn't the host, I had no cause to be uptight...so it was naturally better for me, my job was to sit back and experience it. But even so, perhaps it's in my personality. I'm not the slow and steady type, nor am I able to separate my expectations and preconceived notions about how things are supposed to be from how things are. I want to control it, I want to own it, make it mine. That's why I was born to be a director - out of some infantile urge to control my environment in any way possible. And if I'm not in control, I'm not happy.

But generally I'm happy - so I must be in control.

Go figure.